Monday, June 7, 2010

46

The most impacting moment I've had in my life hasn't been an experience. It hasn't been a person. Instead, it's been of my own creation.
I've come to realize that I am unable to carry on living the way I have been. I've been coldly carrying on in a routine. I wake up in order to work out and go to class. I eat to survive to the next day where I repeat this routine. It's a case of life losing lustre and wine losing taste. I've been pained and to compromise this pain I've been locking away empathy and sympathy underneath the facade of course work. I've been working myself into a stupor.
Over the past two semesters it's been a gradual decline. I found myself startlingly single and alone and at a new college. I made friends as easily as I always do, and proceeded to pass my first semester after a traumatic camping trip and mangled relationships. I spent Winter Break in a semi-comatose pessimism funk in South Carolina and at Georgia Tech after another mangled relationship, this time ruined because of a religious deficit. My intellectual journey continued during the break and into the spring semester where I proceeded to change my trajectory from a slow decline into a miserable spiral into unhappiness.
I begin the semester normally: classes are happening, I'm looking for a job, I get a job, and I have relationships. It sounds great, and initially it was tolerable, but it became stiflingly depressing. I date one guy and realize now, so long after the fact, that he is brilliant but remarkably stupid. It was decent for a bit, and then I am conflicted because of my inability to solidly commit to a relationship due to insecurity. So I leave him for someone else. I enjoy that someone else for a while until I realize incompatibilities that will always remain regardless of how we would discuss and compromise. I realize his degree of stupidity is a unique one. All the technical intelligence in the world can't provide for overall intelligence. There is stupidity in every person, and through dating these men I came to realize how complete this stupidity is.
From there the decline spiraled deeper.
I began seeing myself as something set apart from the typical person. I was perceiving on a plane that I felt others lacked. I still feel that others lack this level of perceptive thought. I'm able to talk to someone casually and know exactly what they're like and be able to draw conclusions about things they refuse to tell me from verbal and physical clues. I've become a mind-reader without the psychic powers. I'm a human lie detector.
Sure, this seems like a neat thing to have. I'll be the first to admit that it is. It's beneficial to me in many ways. I read people quickly and can make judgments about them just as speedily. This is great for acquaintances, but horrible for making friends. It's especially horrible because of how I know that I am on an intellectual level above them. It doesn't help that they tell me how smart I am. I know I'm smart. I'm ridiculously smart. In fact, I'm much smarter than most people I know. When I say "most people I know" I mean all but maybe a handful that I don't even interact with regularly.
Back on topic, though, skipping the rest of the degenerative intelligence tirade, I got involved in another pre-relationship fiasco where I knew it was a bad idea. I fell into the thoughts of "maybe" and "what if" that have never been such a problem in the past. This uncertainly and insecurity has degraded my ability to judge with reason and logic. So I ride this "prelationship" out and it ends in awkwardness and complete retardation. I'm already a short fuse, now I'm a short and more emotionally damaged fuse. Now, because of all the pain I've endured over the past seven months, I am intolerant of emotional abuse. I react harshly to the slightest perceived attack on my emotional stability. I quell this incessant fear with more course work.
I take summer classes. I begin to drown in the schedule I've created for myself. Wake up, work out, speedily shower, race off to class, go to my next class, go home, eat, do homework. I can't remember deviating form this pattern thus far in the summer semester. I'm burned out. I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm unhappy.

...
I'm burned out?
Bored?
Tired?
Unhappy?

Wonderful! This is the first time I've felt like this in quite a long time. I'm actually exhausted. I'm not working myself retarded and still feeling like there's more to be done. I'm actually fed up with doing work. I'm actually unhappy and I'm aware of it! Looking back on the historical aspect of my unhappiness, is it any surprise I couldn't find a man I could date and love exclusively? No! It's all perfectly logical. Everything has come into a new light and the best part of this new light is a new realization: I can be happy now. I've found someone who is enamoured with me. This person wants to be there for me, support me in my endeavors, who encourages me to be beyond what I think I can be, and who makes me feel loved and wanted. I almost passed this over. I'm so glad I stuck with it until I got so worn down that now I can see how far I've fallen. I've been accruing the strength to climb out of this pit for the entire decline into it. Now I'm finally ready, here at the bottom, to say, "No. I'm getting out of here. I'm going to be happy." And damn it.

I'm fucking getting it tooth and nail.

Monday, May 24, 2010

45

I don't have anyone I can talk to things about candidly with. My lord, I'm tired of this interpersonal drama that perpetuates itself.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

44

My dad might as well not have a job again.

Fucking great. And I don't have a job and I've been working hard to get it. And I need to be recertified in order to have a fucking job.

God damn it.
Fuck.
I'm just going to go cry. Jesus shit I can't deal with this.

Friday, May 14, 2010

43

Totals:
Back squat: 130
Shoulder press: 45 (fuck you)
Dead lift: 110 (can do more)

Total totals: 285
Current weight: 135
Body comp: TBP

Goal: Upper body build-up.
End of summer: 5 consecutive kipping pull ups, min 70 shoulder press, afford a CFG shirt

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

42

Life, the Universe, and Everything.


I'm medicating my life with marijuana. Brilliant. No really. You should keep this up. Because that's adaptive. Because that's smart.
Oh the self-loathing starts. The worries of labeling myself "narcissistic" because I want a birthday anything. Needy, needy, needy. Support yourself and want so much from others. Provide what you need and want something from others. Is that unique to my life or unique to humankind? It's definitely unique to human kind, not just me. The negative, petty, needy nature of humans is interesting. Interesting and pathetic all bound up into one clever little parcel delivered to me in the form of mental medication; a leveler for my brilliance, a suppressant for my pessimism, a lock for my lash. Medicating me to protect the world. What a novel concept.
My head is clearer than I've felt it since molly. This is unfortunate. I can think.

41

I'm screaming in the only way I know how. I don't know how to open my mouth and produce sound. Or at least a sound of the amplitude required to alert others to distress. I speak in muted tones, not screeches. I need to alert someone. I need someone to talk to who isn't pouring their heart out to me. Someone who isn't pathetically head over heels in love with me for no reason other than the sexual attraction they feel when they see me prancing about and the whim of being with a "brilliant young woman, with wisdom beyond her girlish years."
When did I lose the ability to have friends because they all want to be with me romantically or physically? Why can't I be me and you be you and we interact like friends? Why can't I confide in anyone without a stupid, needy, grubby attachment forming between them and me, not me and them? What happened to the maturity in relationships that I once enjoyed?
Hah. Other women hate me because I can attract me. Brilliant. Other women hate me because I attract men, repel other females because of this fact, and flounder in the interpersonal relationship department. I want someone to love and someone to love me. I want close friends again. I want a boyfriend I can rely and depend upon while being able to have the sacred bond of "best friends" with someone who I can go to and get hugs, get kisses, get love from a source that is platonic and non-romantic.
Argh. This is the most frustrating thing I deal with. I'm brilliant and I can accomplish anything I want except for having the balls to say "No" to a suitor or the perception to realize what they're doing. I can accomplish anything I set out to do. I can overcome any obstacle. I can't find friends I can open up to. I'm an emotional mess because I listen to everyone else, and never get the chance to say what ails me.
It's all about your problems. It is all for you. Nevermind me.
How are you?
Meh. Alright. You?
Not good. *rattle off about their day and life*
When do I speak? When do you care about me? 

Monday, May 3, 2010

40

Fucking asshole. I understand you're a bitter old man and hate your life, probably your job, yourself for going senile, and your daughter for being more promising than you are or were, but for fuck's sake let us pass the class. It isn't all of our faults that Sarah got in trouble and you were stupid enough to tip toe around the Dean and got found out.
ARGH YOU DESERVE TO BE FIRED.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

39

Extreme emotional distress for no obvious reason.

Why do some days I feel amazing, people love me, I love them, then days like this just suck? It isn't bipolar, it isn't extreme enough. Ugh. This is ridiculous. Fuck my amygdala.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

38

Some people are just so passably deplorable that they can continue to function. Amazing and annoying.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

37

My emotions are having an orgasm, what the fuckkk.