Monday, June 7, 2010

46

The most impacting moment I've had in my life hasn't been an experience. It hasn't been a person. Instead, it's been of my own creation.
I've come to realize that I am unable to carry on living the way I have been. I've been coldly carrying on in a routine. I wake up in order to work out and go to class. I eat to survive to the next day where I repeat this routine. It's a case of life losing lustre and wine losing taste. I've been pained and to compromise this pain I've been locking away empathy and sympathy underneath the facade of course work. I've been working myself into a stupor.
Over the past two semesters it's been a gradual decline. I found myself startlingly single and alone and at a new college. I made friends as easily as I always do, and proceeded to pass my first semester after a traumatic camping trip and mangled relationships. I spent Winter Break in a semi-comatose pessimism funk in South Carolina and at Georgia Tech after another mangled relationship, this time ruined because of a religious deficit. My intellectual journey continued during the break and into the spring semester where I proceeded to change my trajectory from a slow decline into a miserable spiral into unhappiness.
I begin the semester normally: classes are happening, I'm looking for a job, I get a job, and I have relationships. It sounds great, and initially it was tolerable, but it became stiflingly depressing. I date one guy and realize now, so long after the fact, that he is brilliant but remarkably stupid. It was decent for a bit, and then I am conflicted because of my inability to solidly commit to a relationship due to insecurity. So I leave him for someone else. I enjoy that someone else for a while until I realize incompatibilities that will always remain regardless of how we would discuss and compromise. I realize his degree of stupidity is a unique one. All the technical intelligence in the world can't provide for overall intelligence. There is stupidity in every person, and through dating these men I came to realize how complete this stupidity is.
From there the decline spiraled deeper.
I began seeing myself as something set apart from the typical person. I was perceiving on a plane that I felt others lacked. I still feel that others lack this level of perceptive thought. I'm able to talk to someone casually and know exactly what they're like and be able to draw conclusions about things they refuse to tell me from verbal and physical clues. I've become a mind-reader without the psychic powers. I'm a human lie detector.
Sure, this seems like a neat thing to have. I'll be the first to admit that it is. It's beneficial to me in many ways. I read people quickly and can make judgments about them just as speedily. This is great for acquaintances, but horrible for making friends. It's especially horrible because of how I know that I am on an intellectual level above them. It doesn't help that they tell me how smart I am. I know I'm smart. I'm ridiculously smart. In fact, I'm much smarter than most people I know. When I say "most people I know" I mean all but maybe a handful that I don't even interact with regularly.
Back on topic, though, skipping the rest of the degenerative intelligence tirade, I got involved in another pre-relationship fiasco where I knew it was a bad idea. I fell into the thoughts of "maybe" and "what if" that have never been such a problem in the past. This uncertainly and insecurity has degraded my ability to judge with reason and logic. So I ride this "prelationship" out and it ends in awkwardness and complete retardation. I'm already a short fuse, now I'm a short and more emotionally damaged fuse. Now, because of all the pain I've endured over the past seven months, I am intolerant of emotional abuse. I react harshly to the slightest perceived attack on my emotional stability. I quell this incessant fear with more course work.
I take summer classes. I begin to drown in the schedule I've created for myself. Wake up, work out, speedily shower, race off to class, go to my next class, go home, eat, do homework. I can't remember deviating form this pattern thus far in the summer semester. I'm burned out. I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm unhappy.

...
I'm burned out?
Bored?
Tired?
Unhappy?

Wonderful! This is the first time I've felt like this in quite a long time. I'm actually exhausted. I'm not working myself retarded and still feeling like there's more to be done. I'm actually fed up with doing work. I'm actually unhappy and I'm aware of it! Looking back on the historical aspect of my unhappiness, is it any surprise I couldn't find a man I could date and love exclusively? No! It's all perfectly logical. Everything has come into a new light and the best part of this new light is a new realization: I can be happy now. I've found someone who is enamoured with me. This person wants to be there for me, support me in my endeavors, who encourages me to be beyond what I think I can be, and who makes me feel loved and wanted. I almost passed this over. I'm so glad I stuck with it until I got so worn down that now I can see how far I've fallen. I've been accruing the strength to climb out of this pit for the entire decline into it. Now I'm finally ready, here at the bottom, to say, "No. I'm getting out of here. I'm going to be happy." And damn it.

I'm fucking getting it tooth and nail.

Monday, May 24, 2010

45

I don't have anyone I can talk to things about candidly with. My lord, I'm tired of this interpersonal drama that perpetuates itself.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

44

My dad might as well not have a job again.

Fucking great. And I don't have a job and I've been working hard to get it. And I need to be recertified in order to have a fucking job.

God damn it.
Fuck.
I'm just going to go cry. Jesus shit I can't deal with this.

Friday, May 14, 2010

43

Totals:
Back squat: 130
Shoulder press: 45 (fuck you)
Dead lift: 110 (can do more)

Total totals: 285
Current weight: 135
Body comp: TBP

Goal: Upper body build-up.
End of summer: 5 consecutive kipping pull ups, min 70 shoulder press, afford a CFG shirt

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

42

Life, the Universe, and Everything.


I'm medicating my life with marijuana. Brilliant. No really. You should keep this up. Because that's adaptive. Because that's smart.
Oh the self-loathing starts. The worries of labeling myself "narcissistic" because I want a birthday anything. Needy, needy, needy. Support yourself and want so much from others. Provide what you need and want something from others. Is that unique to my life or unique to humankind? It's definitely unique to human kind, not just me. The negative, petty, needy nature of humans is interesting. Interesting and pathetic all bound up into one clever little parcel delivered to me in the form of mental medication; a leveler for my brilliance, a suppressant for my pessimism, a lock for my lash. Medicating me to protect the world. What a novel concept.
My head is clearer than I've felt it since molly. This is unfortunate. I can think.

41

I'm screaming in the only way I know how. I don't know how to open my mouth and produce sound. Or at least a sound of the amplitude required to alert others to distress. I speak in muted tones, not screeches. I need to alert someone. I need someone to talk to who isn't pouring their heart out to me. Someone who isn't pathetically head over heels in love with me for no reason other than the sexual attraction they feel when they see me prancing about and the whim of being with a "brilliant young woman, with wisdom beyond her girlish years."
When did I lose the ability to have friends because they all want to be with me romantically or physically? Why can't I be me and you be you and we interact like friends? Why can't I confide in anyone without a stupid, needy, grubby attachment forming between them and me, not me and them? What happened to the maturity in relationships that I once enjoyed?
Hah. Other women hate me because I can attract me. Brilliant. Other women hate me because I attract men, repel other females because of this fact, and flounder in the interpersonal relationship department. I want someone to love and someone to love me. I want close friends again. I want a boyfriend I can rely and depend upon while being able to have the sacred bond of "best friends" with someone who I can go to and get hugs, get kisses, get love from a source that is platonic and non-romantic.
Argh. This is the most frustrating thing I deal with. I'm brilliant and I can accomplish anything I want except for having the balls to say "No" to a suitor or the perception to realize what they're doing. I can accomplish anything I set out to do. I can overcome any obstacle. I can't find friends I can open up to. I'm an emotional mess because I listen to everyone else, and never get the chance to say what ails me.
It's all about your problems. It is all for you. Nevermind me.
How are you?
Meh. Alright. You?
Not good. *rattle off about their day and life*
When do I speak? When do you care about me? 

Monday, May 3, 2010

40

Fucking asshole. I understand you're a bitter old man and hate your life, probably your job, yourself for going senile, and your daughter for being more promising than you are or were, but for fuck's sake let us pass the class. It isn't all of our faults that Sarah got in trouble and you were stupid enough to tip toe around the Dean and got found out.
ARGH YOU DESERVE TO BE FIRED.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

39

Extreme emotional distress for no obvious reason.

Why do some days I feel amazing, people love me, I love them, then days like this just suck? It isn't bipolar, it isn't extreme enough. Ugh. This is ridiculous. Fuck my amygdala.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

38

Some people are just so passably deplorable that they can continue to function. Amazing and annoying.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

37

My emotions are having an orgasm, what the fuckkk.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

36

I'm in a really interesting situation. I don't want to be in love, yet I am. The gray area suffices, but for how long? I keep telling myself that I want someone to fall in love with and I get opportunity after opportunity but still manage to shoot myself in the foot every time. What is it with my self-sabotage?
It isn't so bad, I guess. I have something to work for and someone to care for. That's all I really wanted and I have it in front of me. So things aren't so bad, after all.

Amends are really interesting to make especially when they're with yourself.

Monday, April 19, 2010

35

To lay this out in a logical way:

Molly opened my mind.
Preheat opened my world.

Haha, fuck you John <3

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

34

Wow. Its rare that I cry.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

33

Oh my god, I just talked to Taylor for the first time since August 2009. And we had a good conversation. He sent a smiley face emote.

What the fuck.

This is awesome.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

32

I have no friends who can be friends to me. I can't even talk to Elisabeth because she picks a side. What the fuck? Since when do you text me about whether or not I'm ok then choose a side after I'm done unwinding the long story about how upset I am? What ever gave you the thought that it was a good idea to polarize friends like that.

I get more alienated by stupid shit like this everyday. I'm looking forward to the point where all my friends are online because person-to-person interaction is too difficult.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

31

I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry as hard as I want to beat my head into the wall.

How do I fix me?

30

Ridiculous. I give a fuck and I'm trying to calmly give a fuck while controlling my emotional responses and to clarify a statement I correct you and you blow me off because you think I'm being purposefully offensive. Do you realize that you have misinterpreted me multiple times in text form? That I don't want people misinterpreting what I say? That I am innately a forward and direct person and when my words are twisted or confused from their original intent that it pisses me the fuck off?

I can't be sympathetic when I'm being pissed off. I have enough reason to be annoyed and I've been trying to work off of that to be on a level-field with you while you think I'm bombarding you with corrections and malicious intent. Fuck you. If I wanted to do that I would do it so much more directly and actually insult you. I give a fuck about your current state of affairs and in the middle of trying to talk to you about it you think I'm yet again insulting what couldn't be anything other than your infinite amount of wisdom and how dare I have the audacity to do such a thing! I'm not. Jesus fucking christ.
For your love of criticism start taking it with a pair when it comes to things other than your overly chill demeanor and obsession of typing in inverted sentence structure. That's what annoys me. Moreso that you think I'm attacking you. I'm not, for christ's sake. I'm trying to care. Do you understand how difficult that is when the person you're trying to speak with on good terms thinks you're constantly berating them and is stand-offish because of that? Oh of course you do because you're thinking of me! No. Nothing like that.
I am not, will not, can never be, and have never been good at forgiveness. I attempt it like a motherfucker but I will never be good at forgiving people easily. I will not intentionally wrong you and I expect the same. I am not intentionally wronging, hurting, anything'ing you yet you treat me like I am. Your current emotional affairs are relevant to me but I can't give a fuck when you're wrapped up in the idea that I'm an ass so you reciprocate with being an ass.
You took the high road? No, you didn't. You disconnected rudely because you thought I was being rude when truly I was trying to care. Clarification is something I do to everyone. Sorry you misinterpreted and I needed to rephrase what I said so you could understand it.

Buy your own damn batteries, jerk.

29

My finger, where I burned it on the pan, has lost some feeling in it.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

28

I really want someone I can simply be in love with. I want to exist in a loving state, not create one or force one. Every boyfriend recently has been a forced state of companionship. I'm not into it and I don't want them. I think I do, but I don't.
There's one person who I can always talk to about this with the mutual understanding that if he were single then I would be first pick. Argh, life is cruel when it comes to finding someone to love. I realize that by looking I may be shorting my chances. I hope that isn't the case, but I can't help but think it is with all the trials and errors lately. I don't have faith in people, yet I still manage faith in Mosely. How does that even make sense?

I think next weekend I'll take him up on the drinking and hotel crash idea. A night specifically designed to be open with each other and hopefully I can get all these emotions out, maybe even a good cry. It's horrible when you know you need to cry to let go and get rid of the heart's constipation but you can't for the life of you. Alcohol should help that. I'm so used to being mom that I stop being me. I don't need to babysit other people like I do. I function on the premise of being there and being available to friends, yet I don't get that back. I tolerate that. Argh. Moe's, alcohol, hotel, NCIS, sleep, revamp. That's how an idealistic weekend will go.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

27

Hardest work out of my life.

Run 100 meters, tag in for push ups, tag out and tag in for step-jumps, tag out and tag in for sit ups, tag out and tag in to run again.

10/10, would do again. Im looking forward to the SPORT club work outs and outings. Pushing each other to reach optimum fitness in a fun environment. Just what Ive been wanting!
And life is good.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

26

So much anger.

I understand what is directing it and the causes of it, but there is so much of it from so many different angles.

Fucking... idiots.

Monday, March 29, 2010

25

Ugh.

Quelquefois plus tard:
Je ne mets pas mes ideas en les phrases. Je suis plus triste si je pensais je serais.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

24

I'm so annoyed.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

23

I'm tired of people.

They're all so exhausting.

I genuinely don't care about interactions, anymore it seems.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

22

Everyone fucking misinterprets me.

Edit:
I got the job I was vying for which is great, but they've hired another assistant, fortunately it's a friend of mine, which makes the already meager hours I will be getting ever more sparse. I need money. I didn't take this job to dick around for a few months with no hours. This "sub" bullshit is just as bad as the YMCA where you have to scramble for hours because people nab them all and people never need subs so you essentially get kicked off payroll because of poor management.
I bet my first half-assed pay check on that.

It's so ridiculously teenager-ish to think that no one with ever understand me, but it's starting to actually seem true. In my grapple for words I am misinterpreted and end up sounding crazy, ridiculous, moronic, or contradictory. Because I'm such a hypocrite. Because I always want my way. I am such a bitch, aren't I?
Since December I've been dealing with emotional bullshit that I shouldn't be having to. I'm curious Karma: what did I do to get all this thrown back at me?

21

I've never felt more like picking up this cup and haphazardly flinging it into a wall to get a satisfying crack and shatter to relieve my frustration.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

20

Enough of running segmented thoughts in my mind.
I've been meandering down the same path;
the same lonely, monotonous, plateaued path
that I've been meandering on for eons.
Plans to overcome obstacles that don't present themselves,
Thoughts of reaching the finite point at the end
and finally being through.
I've proven I can overcome flat paths that weave eternally--
the only slight qualm being the curvature--
and now turbulence.

Suddenly I miss the lonely plateau.

19

I have no clue about anything.

My definition is some kind of territorial claim upon another person that is effectively a silk rope that says "VIPs only" and only lets one person through however so often. That one person would be my boyfriend. There's an established area that is his; that area being me. Not me in my entirety, I still have my free-will and spirit, but my emotional bonds are linked to him and my body is his. Where do I stand if not there?
I'm frustrated over something I want? What the fuck is wrong with my head?

Friday, March 12, 2010

18

Talia
Alexander
Kris
Lee

17

Give me someone I can have an equally-grounded conversation with.

Intelligence is such a curse. I'm able to have an awareness of what I don't know while knowing that I am more intelligent than most of the people I will ever encounter are. I allow myself to be intimidated by this and by people who present any sort of comparable intellect.
Working at Publix this is something I realized. When I went into work I became okay with turning off thought and reciting memorized lines to customers and trying to strike up a basic conversation. Whenever a customer presented that they were capable of conversation beyond products, family, and the weather, I became awkward. I wasn't in the mind set to speak with people of perhaps equal calibre. I was asked my major and I talked about that some, but I got the feeling that no one was able to respond in a way that carried any kind of understanding.
I specifically remember one girl who went to Georgia State who was also a psychology major. We discussed what kinds of psychology we liked and she remarked about how heavily evolution weighed into biopsychology and neuroscience. I know. She didn't understand how enthralling that is. Our conversation died.

No one has my passions. No one gets excited over two lightening bolts or protein synthesis. No one thinks the cell mosaic model and channel proteins are sexier than a naked person of their preferred gender. I've yet to find anyone as completely in awe of the operations of the world with the same rabid thirst for knowledge that I have. I want to drink in the knowledge that is in every facet of organic life and compile a library of it in my mind where I can draw from seemingly endless wells of information. Because I want to know it all.

I'll find someone as viciously chasing knowledge as me one day.

V2:
I'm curious as to who my actual friends are. There are plenty of people I talk to and associate with, but who can I actually rely on? I don't feel like I can on anyone and it's not from lack of trying. It's not because of trust issues either. I know there is never an unbiased third-party, at least certainly not one where I can go to.

Makes me realize how utterly alone I am. One would think I would be more depressed to realize this, but I'm not. I'm more pensive about why it's come to be so. I know a lot of people, but am emotionally intimate with few and physically intimate with fewer. I'm really ambivalent on the matter.
Is my solitude because I'm so mentally different from everyone I've encountered? Is it because of my uniqueness? The people who I'm closest to are the people who I'm nothing alike.

Maybe I am emotionally affected by this.

I don't know if I actually feel like driving this weekend.

It's funny knowing that I need to cry but I can't. I haven't been this deeply unhappy in quite some time.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

16

I want someone to get it.

Just fucking get it.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

15


    So what youre saying is
    My body is a vessel for you to fuck my mind?

Im gonna have to remember that one.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

14

Hmm.

I'll give this some thought.


V2: How soon is too soon?
I think through how I feel.

Monday, March 1, 2010

13

It's difficult to have such passion
with no fitting place to direct it.
An isolated orchestrator cannot orchestrate in nothing
(unless he is of his own devices)
and his melodic passions fall
into echoes no one will hear.

Reaching out with a hand that touches air,
grasping wind in lieu of cloth
and my hand reflects the light--
Light that should be reflecting off your cheeks.
Emotion-filled embraces and
love-infused words
will be unsatisfactorily conveyed
when I could be touching you,
I could be caressing your lips with mine,
I could be resting my body in yours.
There is no replacement for the tangible,
but there are yearnings for the gaps it leaves.

13

Haha!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

12

There's a common theme in all my entries: uncertainty. This uncertainty covers my unhappiness. I've been unhappy for a while. A long while. I'm unhappier now than I've been in a comparable amount of time, and quite frankly I don't have the patience or the tact to deal with anymore problems. I'm going to wave this wand and everything is going to disappear. Everyone is going to vanish in an array of smokey swirls. I'll blow across the cascading vortexes and they'll dissipate. My problems will be gone.

If only.

I love people in the most general sense. I find each and every one of them fascinating. Everyone is drastically different in every way: handling stress, interests, intelligence, looks, cognitive processes, and so much more. It isn't surprising to see people disagreeing with my self-conduction, but on the same hand, where is the ability to speak frankly? What has happened to honesty in favor of preserving relationships instead of demolishing them? I have never been out right rude to anyone who was a deserving prick of it. I can't wrap my mind around why people would be upset with me for going against a rule of which I was never informed. I simply can't comprehend the obsurbities  that people believe about me; that and how they are too spineless to speak of it to me directly.
I find a safe-haven--people of like minds--and I am accepted. I meet someone I find very attractive, he reciprocates until an irreconcilable difference divides us. Time passes and I find someone else who is mutually interested and lives in my hometown. I explore this possibility. It turns out to be an incredibly stupid idea to go further than friends. He is alienated because he feels my decision is unfair. I meet someone else. I'm reserved about dating initially because I know of his history and ideologies. I know of his promiscuity and inability to openly talk about life experiences and current thoughts or feelings. We separate amicably because we know that friendship is the best route. Throughout hometown-boy to amicable exes, I've been interested in someone else. I express this and I am hopping brothers. I'm entitled to find someone I can love as long as they aren't in the same fraternity. There is clearly no flaw in this logic. How dare I not have issues with one ex and then pursue someone else. Undoubtedly, this makes me a promiscuous, brother-hopping bitch. How fucking dare I.
I'm not heartless, nor I am remarkably headstrong. I am not one to ignore the qualms of a friend because I believe they are being ridiculous. It's not too odd to ask for people to speak to me directly and honestly about any problem they have with me. I've been granted that apparent privilage from others for some time now, why are you, the individual, any different from the other people who have managed to be frank with me? You're not. You are welcome to the same openness as everyone else and I will respect your opinion in the same capacity.

For now, however, I do not have any amount of intellectual endurance nor emotional capacity to deal with the squabblings of once-thought friends who are too afraid to confront me on the basest of issues. Incurring a rift between two people because one is either too proud to change or too daft to be frank is by far one of the biggest problems I have with people, friends or otherwise. I am an intelligent individual capable of compromise, not an idiot who gets offended at the slightest remark. In most cases, it would seem this is true.
I would be an idiot now then. Instead of confrontation--a word which carries such stigma with so little need for stigmatization--I receive a telephone. A repetition of the issues which people are too feeble to speak to me about themselves. I don't need a messenger when I could have face-to-face discussions. Instead, I get a run around on where the roots of the problems lie. How am I going to reach a solution with these fools if I don't know who they are? I had been meaning to speak to two people as is, and I know each of them are dissatisfied with me for some reason or another, but one I can't figure out why. I'm solving it. I'm being direct. When they should have been direct all along effectively eliminating the need for me to be emotionally fucked (inflicting unnecessary suffering) over by their inability to face their interpersonal issues.

I'm fucking better than this. I'm not at fault for rules of which I had no knowledge, nor am I at fault for pursuing healthy relationships. There is no criteria in my awareness of who I can and cannot date. I can't deal with such immaturity. Emotionally, at this given point in time, I am fragile and unable to cope with my day to day life let alone the interpersonal issues of people who don't genuinely know me for the person I am. I know I'm a wonderful person, and while I do come off as sarcastic, competitive, and occasionally rude, I mean the best and would never intentionally insult a residence of nor people of which I am a guest.
My personality is spiny and robust. I am not a sugar-coater nor am I a bitch. I may appear as one of the other, but you would be incorrect in every way. I am neither. I am a compassionate, loving person who cares deeply for everyone I consider "friend." If that is any explanation, I am emotionally tied to every one of my friends. It's insulting to think that they would be unable to go to me with a problem, especially a problem with me directly.

I'm thinking in circles. I've come full-circle at least twenty times. I'm angry and I'm hurt. I find no reason to pursue problems people aren't pursuing with me. If they don't pursue it with me, clearly my friendship isn't of value to them, why should I bother?

And here I was fucking wondering why I had trust issues when people I consider friends are going behind my back with problems they refuse to openly divulge.

Fucking... assholes.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

11

Is it petty that all I want is a loving relationship be it a close friend or otherwise? It seems like since July I've found it increasingly harder to connect with people. I want to connect and draw people into my life to involve them, but I'm finding it impossible to open up without completely exposing myself and I'm finding it harder to love and not love with all of who I am. This presents an interesting issue.
Loving and openness are not mutually exclusive, in fact, one could argue they're mutually inclusive. You can't have love and trust without openness. Secrets foster insecurities and lead to relationship failure. I don't enjoy keeping things from people I care for, yet I find myself doing so regardless. I don't want any of my friendships or romantic relationships to be injured as a result of a problem that I cannot solve with reason.
Why is it that all my emotions can't be reasoned with? How are emotions the most unreasonable thing in existence? Why doesn't love make sense? Why is altruism so ridiculous?
Ugh, I'm ridiculous. I need to figure myself out. I don't want to present this side of me to people.

Maybe the reason I struggle so much with this is because I constantly believe I need to be strong. I need to be capable of protecting and caring for myself and coping with my own problems. I'm currently struggling with that and that struggle leads me to self-depreciate. Well, not depreciate, but struggle further as I grapple with the ebbing idea that maybe I'm not everything. And I'm not.
Perhaps my next course of action should be accepting my fallibility instead of denying it.

I'm getting mixed feelings about everything in my life. There are clear yes's and no's, but among these clear answers there are diluted feelings about damn near everything that isn't a stupidly obvious decision.
Do I ask this?
Well, do you want to insinuate something?
No.
Then no, don't ask it.
But it's relevant.
Then ask it.
But I would be insinuating something and I don't want a repeat of last time that happened.
Then don't ask it. Keep it to yourself until it becomes more relevant.
But how do I determine relevancy? It's relevant now, it'll be relevant later.
Ugh.

My thought process is idiotic. There's probably a psychological term for this. I think I'll fill tonight with research and work so I can forget about it all.

Later:
I want to find what will fill these holes. I'm constantly hot and cold and the rollercoaster is getting old quickly. I want off.
There is an immediate need to know what I'm capable of doing and with what I can involve myself. I know I feel things more strongly than other people, not even specific feelings, but I don't want my feelings to get in the way of my life or interpersonal relations. No one feels the way I do and accepting that I'm an outlying ball of energy and emotion among the normal distribution.
Fuck math.

Mon amour pour toi est sans cire.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

10

Im angry with out purpose;
no rhyme for this reason.
What reason?
It's purposeless.
Grasping out for loose ends,
friends,
amends.

I'm grabbing air,
letting it slip through my fists
while I suffocate.

Monday, February 22, 2010

09

This is therapy.


This is therapy.

08

I truly need to start writing poetry again. As I recall, it was always my outlet for intense emotions I would otherwise be unable to express and it would seem that lately Ive been flooded with a barrage of emotional tidal waves.

Which isnt necessarily a bad thing.

In fact, in many ways this is good.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

07

Haha!

:)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

06

I am in an extraordinarily good mood. Perhaps its the coffee! But I dont care. This is fucking rad.

That said: Today at breakfast I was sitting there thinking (while ingesting copious amounts of coffee) and came up with this idea. It was one of those ideas that was something I knew all along, but I actually realized it in that instance: I am a beautiful person in every possible way. Certianly there are things I can improve upon, but that adds to the element of beauty that I have. It makes me unique and gives me a reason to strive to be more. My striving for a goal is one of my strongest characteristics that makes me so happy to be who I am.

Fuck yeah!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

05

One way or another, I know Ill be able to get the love that I deserve. Im looking forward to the journey.

04

I should flip a coin and see what my heart cries out first.

These decisions involve too much emotions. Im not one to be trusted with other peoples' emotional well-being. I dont even trust myself with my own.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

03

Im fairly certain Ive accomplished a lot today.

In fact, I may be speaking too soon, but I think Ive over come the obstacles that were attributing to my unhappiness. This is one of those "the truth will set you free" cases where it's legitimately true and not just some stupid idiom.
This leaves unresolved business even further though. The good news is that Ive made progress to ending the whole ordeal, but the bad news is in talking to A, I provoked more to be said, then in talking to B, I revealed information that requires action in order to be "resolved." The action itself will be difficult, but Im confident it holds a desirable outcome.

The future is good.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

02

Clearly I cant trust people.

Especially people who feel it necessary to create elaborate fabrications from a simple statement.

01

I think I may be calculating too much. I may be looking at life through the eyes of a scientist calculating every variable and control when thats not how life is lived. Or is it?
All the people Ive known or heard of that have looked at life through such a perspective have been dismally depressed. I dont want to get to that point. Me depressed isnt something I enjoy.

I should really probably maybe talk to someone.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Dont Care to Come Up With One

Why do people who dont get my sense of humor keep talking to me? You dont find talking to me funny or at least partially entertaining yet you continue to do so? What the hell?

Screw off, I dont need to pointing out the flaws in what I know to be faulty logic because, oh wait, thats the fucking joke. Im in a good mood, dont ruin it. Jesus.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Legs

I ran today.

I have a terrible headache and had an asthma attack after I got home. I am light headed as all hell.

My Life

Im still not happy with the direction it's going. Theres a lot of things I want to do and have thought about doing that I dont see and easy way of getting to accomplish. This is incredibly disheartening.

I dont know if my recent emotional slump has been due to friends becoming more distant when I thought I was accepted among them (when in reality it was probably the prospect of sleeping with me that held their attention for the month that it lasted), my lack of a detailed running schedule and proper weather conducive to running, as well as my indecision about the future. I have a boyfriend now, but relationships dont bring me a sense of fulfillment. I get the sense of accomplishment and success from outlying sources like my own personal betterment, acquisition of knowledge, and other miscellaneous things. Perhaps I need to write more or maybe I simply need to start accomplishing and being productive.
This semester hasnt been to labor intensive yet, which I find dismal. I want work to do and things to stay up for while pushing myself to produce the best possible outcome. Last semester I had multiple things due each week, each impacted my grade enough that it was exceptionally relevant that I get it done and graded. This semester is so laid-back and loosely organized that it doesnt seem like a college semester should.

Are my panic attacks a result of lethargy or the lack of something to strive to accomplish? The accomplishment "high" is absent so it potentially could be. With every great stress lifted with the triumph of completion one gets the rush of being the one who put in all the effort into the work to finally complete it and have a wonderful finished product that you can show off and be proud to say you created this. The small victories of homework problems and getting an interview arent doing it like how I need it. I need something to hang over my head and be there for weeks on end while I slavishly labor over it and mold the something into the best possible output it can become.

Maybe getting back to my natural weight would make me happy.
Maybe accomplishing the 13.1 mile Peachtree Road Race would make me happy.
Maybe working through projects at my may-be new job would make me happy.
Maybe striving to sculpt the best projects and assignments for college would make me happy.
Maybe running every day would make me happy.
Maybe being the absolute best I can be would make me happy.

But Im really not holding my breath.

People

Jokes are funny for a while, but once theyre repeated too many times and much too frequently, theyre not funny anymore.

In fact, theyre annoying.

Monday, January 25, 2010

12345

Religion irks me.

January 25th, 2010:
More foreboding feelings of an anxiety attack.
Should probably seek help.
Probably won't though.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Relations

Coping with an interesting relationship situation.

Not quite sure if I'm prepared for the emotional engagement and responsibility of such things at the moment, but I still desire it. I have a boyfriend, but something feels off about the whole situation, primarily how I don't feel like I can fully commit myself to love.

January 23rd, 2010:
First near-panic attack of the year.
Coped by speaking with a friend and playing Go.
GT.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Non-Sequiter

I get myself in the damnedest situations. I complain about one thing then fall for it the next.

I do have quite a bit of growing up to do.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Men.

It's a shame how guys look at me like a sex object or an object of gain. I am not a person to be friends with or to value, but instead I am a walking receptacle of pleasure for them to try and exploit and entice. There is no law that says men and women cannot be just friends. Certainly, the man may find the woman attractive and the woman may also find the same for the man, but there is no restricting factor to friendship. The idea that there is some tape barring friendship is absurd.
I'm tired of being constantly hit on by multiple men who know men they are good friends with have hit on me before them. I'm tired of being hit on in general. I want friends and the feeling that my personal space is respected and valued. That doesn't seem like too much to ask from people who I should hope would treat me in such a way.

Leave the idea of my vagina on the doorstep and treat me like a fucking human.