Thursday, January 28, 2010


I ran today.

I have a terrible headache and had an asthma attack after I got home. I am light headed as all hell.

My Life

Im still not happy with the direction it's going. Theres a lot of things I want to do and have thought about doing that I dont see and easy way of getting to accomplish. This is incredibly disheartening.

I dont know if my recent emotional slump has been due to friends becoming more distant when I thought I was accepted among them (when in reality it was probably the prospect of sleeping with me that held their attention for the month that it lasted), my lack of a detailed running schedule and proper weather conducive to running, as well as my indecision about the future. I have a boyfriend now, but relationships dont bring me a sense of fulfillment. I get the sense of accomplishment and success from outlying sources like my own personal betterment, acquisition of knowledge, and other miscellaneous things. Perhaps I need to write more or maybe I simply need to start accomplishing and being productive.
This semester hasnt been to labor intensive yet, which I find dismal. I want work to do and things to stay up for while pushing myself to produce the best possible outcome. Last semester I had multiple things due each week, each impacted my grade enough that it was exceptionally relevant that I get it done and graded. This semester is so laid-back and loosely organized that it doesnt seem like a college semester should.

Are my panic attacks a result of lethargy or the lack of something to strive to accomplish? The accomplishment "high" is absent so it potentially could be. With every great stress lifted with the triumph of completion one gets the rush of being the one who put in all the effort into the work to finally complete it and have a wonderful finished product that you can show off and be proud to say you created this. The small victories of homework problems and getting an interview arent doing it like how I need it. I need something to hang over my head and be there for weeks on end while I slavishly labor over it and mold the something into the best possible output it can become.

Maybe getting back to my natural weight would make me happy.
Maybe accomplishing the 13.1 mile Peachtree Road Race would make me happy.
Maybe working through projects at my may-be new job would make me happy.
Maybe striving to sculpt the best projects and assignments for college would make me happy.
Maybe running every day would make me happy.
Maybe being the absolute best I can be would make me happy.

But Im really not holding my breath.


Jokes are funny for a while, but once theyre repeated too many times and much too frequently, theyre not funny anymore.

In fact, theyre annoying.

Monday, January 25, 2010


Religion irks me.

January 25th, 2010:
More foreboding feelings of an anxiety attack.
Should probably seek help.
Probably won't though.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


Coping with an interesting relationship situation.

Not quite sure if I'm prepared for the emotional engagement and responsibility of such things at the moment, but I still desire it. I have a boyfriend, but something feels off about the whole situation, primarily how I don't feel like I can fully commit myself to love.

January 23rd, 2010:
First near-panic attack of the year.
Coped by speaking with a friend and playing Go.

Friday, January 8, 2010


I get myself in the damnedest situations. I complain about one thing then fall for it the next.

I do have quite a bit of growing up to do.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


It's a shame how guys look at me like a sex object or an object of gain. I am not a person to be friends with or to value, but instead I am a walking receptacle of pleasure for them to try and exploit and entice. There is no law that says men and women cannot be just friends. Certainly, the man may find the woman attractive and the woman may also find the same for the man, but there is no restricting factor to friendship. The idea that there is some tape barring friendship is absurd.
I'm tired of being constantly hit on by multiple men who know men they are good friends with have hit on me before them. I'm tired of being hit on in general. I want friends and the feeling that my personal space is respected and valued. That doesn't seem like too much to ask from people who I should hope would treat me in such a way.

Leave the idea of my vagina on the doorstep and treat me like a fucking human.