Saturday, February 27, 2010

12

There's a common theme in all my entries: uncertainty. This uncertainty covers my unhappiness. I've been unhappy for a while. A long while. I'm unhappier now than I've been in a comparable amount of time, and quite frankly I don't have the patience or the tact to deal with anymore problems. I'm going to wave this wand and everything is going to disappear. Everyone is going to vanish in an array of smokey swirls. I'll blow across the cascading vortexes and they'll dissipate. My problems will be gone.

If only.

I love people in the most general sense. I find each and every one of them fascinating. Everyone is drastically different in every way: handling stress, interests, intelligence, looks, cognitive processes, and so much more. It isn't surprising to see people disagreeing with my self-conduction, but on the same hand, where is the ability to speak frankly? What has happened to honesty in favor of preserving relationships instead of demolishing them? I have never been out right rude to anyone who was a deserving prick of it. I can't wrap my mind around why people would be upset with me for going against a rule of which I was never informed. I simply can't comprehend the obsurbities  that people believe about me; that and how they are too spineless to speak of it to me directly.
I find a safe-haven--people of like minds--and I am accepted. I meet someone I find very attractive, he reciprocates until an irreconcilable difference divides us. Time passes and I find someone else who is mutually interested and lives in my hometown. I explore this possibility. It turns out to be an incredibly stupid idea to go further than friends. He is alienated because he feels my decision is unfair. I meet someone else. I'm reserved about dating initially because I know of his history and ideologies. I know of his promiscuity and inability to openly talk about life experiences and current thoughts or feelings. We separate amicably because we know that friendship is the best route. Throughout hometown-boy to amicable exes, I've been interested in someone else. I express this and I am hopping brothers. I'm entitled to find someone I can love as long as they aren't in the same fraternity. There is clearly no flaw in this logic. How dare I not have issues with one ex and then pursue someone else. Undoubtedly, this makes me a promiscuous, brother-hopping bitch. How fucking dare I.
I'm not heartless, nor I am remarkably headstrong. I am not one to ignore the qualms of a friend because I believe they are being ridiculous. It's not too odd to ask for people to speak to me directly and honestly about any problem they have with me. I've been granted that apparent privilage from others for some time now, why are you, the individual, any different from the other people who have managed to be frank with me? You're not. You are welcome to the same openness as everyone else and I will respect your opinion in the same capacity.

For now, however, I do not have any amount of intellectual endurance nor emotional capacity to deal with the squabblings of once-thought friends who are too afraid to confront me on the basest of issues. Incurring a rift between two people because one is either too proud to change or too daft to be frank is by far one of the biggest problems I have with people, friends or otherwise. I am an intelligent individual capable of compromise, not an idiot who gets offended at the slightest remark. In most cases, it would seem this is true.
I would be an idiot now then. Instead of confrontation--a word which carries such stigma with so little need for stigmatization--I receive a telephone. A repetition of the issues which people are too feeble to speak to me about themselves. I don't need a messenger when I could have face-to-face discussions. Instead, I get a run around on where the roots of the problems lie. How am I going to reach a solution with these fools if I don't know who they are? I had been meaning to speak to two people as is, and I know each of them are dissatisfied with me for some reason or another, but one I can't figure out why. I'm solving it. I'm being direct. When they should have been direct all along effectively eliminating the need for me to be emotionally fucked (inflicting unnecessary suffering) over by their inability to face their interpersonal issues.

I'm fucking better than this. I'm not at fault for rules of which I had no knowledge, nor am I at fault for pursuing healthy relationships. There is no criteria in my awareness of who I can and cannot date. I can't deal with such immaturity. Emotionally, at this given point in time, I am fragile and unable to cope with my day to day life let alone the interpersonal issues of people who don't genuinely know me for the person I am. I know I'm a wonderful person, and while I do come off as sarcastic, competitive, and occasionally rude, I mean the best and would never intentionally insult a residence of nor people of which I am a guest.
My personality is spiny and robust. I am not a sugar-coater nor am I a bitch. I may appear as one of the other, but you would be incorrect in every way. I am neither. I am a compassionate, loving person who cares deeply for everyone I consider "friend." If that is any explanation, I am emotionally tied to every one of my friends. It's insulting to think that they would be unable to go to me with a problem, especially a problem with me directly.

I'm thinking in circles. I've come full-circle at least twenty times. I'm angry and I'm hurt. I find no reason to pursue problems people aren't pursuing with me. If they don't pursue it with me, clearly my friendship isn't of value to them, why should I bother?

And here I was fucking wondering why I had trust issues when people I consider friends are going behind my back with problems they refuse to openly divulge.

Fucking... assholes.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

11

Is it petty that all I want is a loving relationship be it a close friend or otherwise? It seems like since July I've found it increasingly harder to connect with people. I want to connect and draw people into my life to involve them, but I'm finding it impossible to open up without completely exposing myself and I'm finding it harder to love and not love with all of who I am. This presents an interesting issue.
Loving and openness are not mutually exclusive, in fact, one could argue they're mutually inclusive. You can't have love and trust without openness. Secrets foster insecurities and lead to relationship failure. I don't enjoy keeping things from people I care for, yet I find myself doing so regardless. I don't want any of my friendships or romantic relationships to be injured as a result of a problem that I cannot solve with reason.
Why is it that all my emotions can't be reasoned with? How are emotions the most unreasonable thing in existence? Why doesn't love make sense? Why is altruism so ridiculous?
Ugh, I'm ridiculous. I need to figure myself out. I don't want to present this side of me to people.

Maybe the reason I struggle so much with this is because I constantly believe I need to be strong. I need to be capable of protecting and caring for myself and coping with my own problems. I'm currently struggling with that and that struggle leads me to self-depreciate. Well, not depreciate, but struggle further as I grapple with the ebbing idea that maybe I'm not everything. And I'm not.
Perhaps my next course of action should be accepting my fallibility instead of denying it.

I'm getting mixed feelings about everything in my life. There are clear yes's and no's, but among these clear answers there are diluted feelings about damn near everything that isn't a stupidly obvious decision.
Do I ask this?
Well, do you want to insinuate something?
No.
Then no, don't ask it.
But it's relevant.
Then ask it.
But I would be insinuating something and I don't want a repeat of last time that happened.
Then don't ask it. Keep it to yourself until it becomes more relevant.
But how do I determine relevancy? It's relevant now, it'll be relevant later.
Ugh.

My thought process is idiotic. There's probably a psychological term for this. I think I'll fill tonight with research and work so I can forget about it all.

Later:
I want to find what will fill these holes. I'm constantly hot and cold and the rollercoaster is getting old quickly. I want off.
There is an immediate need to know what I'm capable of doing and with what I can involve myself. I know I feel things more strongly than other people, not even specific feelings, but I don't want my feelings to get in the way of my life or interpersonal relations. No one feels the way I do and accepting that I'm an outlying ball of energy and emotion among the normal distribution.
Fuck math.

Mon amour pour toi est sans cire.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

10

Im angry with out purpose;
no rhyme for this reason.
What reason?
It's purposeless.
Grasping out for loose ends,
friends,
amends.

I'm grabbing air,
letting it slip through my fists
while I suffocate.

Monday, February 22, 2010

09

This is therapy.


This is therapy.

08

I truly need to start writing poetry again. As I recall, it was always my outlet for intense emotions I would otherwise be unable to express and it would seem that lately Ive been flooded with a barrage of emotional tidal waves.

Which isnt necessarily a bad thing.

In fact, in many ways this is good.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

07

Haha!

:)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

06

I am in an extraordinarily good mood. Perhaps its the coffee! But I dont care. This is fucking rad.

That said: Today at breakfast I was sitting there thinking (while ingesting copious amounts of coffee) and came up with this idea. It was one of those ideas that was something I knew all along, but I actually realized it in that instance: I am a beautiful person in every possible way. Certianly there are things I can improve upon, but that adds to the element of beauty that I have. It makes me unique and gives me a reason to strive to be more. My striving for a goal is one of my strongest characteristics that makes me so happy to be who I am.

Fuck yeah!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

05

One way or another, I know Ill be able to get the love that I deserve. Im looking forward to the journey.

04

I should flip a coin and see what my heart cries out first.

These decisions involve too much emotions. Im not one to be trusted with other peoples' emotional well-being. I dont even trust myself with my own.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

03

Im fairly certain Ive accomplished a lot today.

In fact, I may be speaking too soon, but I think Ive over come the obstacles that were attributing to my unhappiness. This is one of those "the truth will set you free" cases where it's legitimately true and not just some stupid idiom.
This leaves unresolved business even further though. The good news is that Ive made progress to ending the whole ordeal, but the bad news is in talking to A, I provoked more to be said, then in talking to B, I revealed information that requires action in order to be "resolved." The action itself will be difficult, but Im confident it holds a desirable outcome.

The future is good.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

02

Clearly I cant trust people.

Especially people who feel it necessary to create elaborate fabrications from a simple statement.

01

I think I may be calculating too much. I may be looking at life through the eyes of a scientist calculating every variable and control when thats not how life is lived. Or is it?
All the people Ive known or heard of that have looked at life through such a perspective have been dismally depressed. I dont want to get to that point. Me depressed isnt something I enjoy.

I should really probably maybe talk to someone.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Dont Care to Come Up With One

Why do people who dont get my sense of humor keep talking to me? You dont find talking to me funny or at least partially entertaining yet you continue to do so? What the hell?

Screw off, I dont need to pointing out the flaws in what I know to be faulty logic because, oh wait, thats the fucking joke. Im in a good mood, dont ruin it. Jesus.