Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Is it petty that all I want is a loving relationship be it a close friend or otherwise? It seems like since July I've found it increasingly harder to connect with people. I want to connect and draw people into my life to involve them, but I'm finding it impossible to open up without completely exposing myself and I'm finding it harder to love and not love with all of who I am. This presents an interesting issue.
Loving and openness are not mutually exclusive, in fact, one could argue they're mutually inclusive. You can't have love and trust without openness. Secrets foster insecurities and lead to relationship failure. I don't enjoy keeping things from people I care for, yet I find myself doing so regardless. I don't want any of my friendships or romantic relationships to be injured as a result of a problem that I cannot solve with reason.
Why is it that all my emotions can't be reasoned with? How are emotions the most unreasonable thing in existence? Why doesn't love make sense? Why is altruism so ridiculous?
Ugh, I'm ridiculous. I need to figure myself out. I don't want to present this side of me to people.

Maybe the reason I struggle so much with this is because I constantly believe I need to be strong. I need to be capable of protecting and caring for myself and coping with my own problems. I'm currently struggling with that and that struggle leads me to self-depreciate. Well, not depreciate, but struggle further as I grapple with the ebbing idea that maybe I'm not everything. And I'm not.
Perhaps my next course of action should be accepting my fallibility instead of denying it.

I'm getting mixed feelings about everything in my life. There are clear yes's and no's, but among these clear answers there are diluted feelings about damn near everything that isn't a stupidly obvious decision.
Do I ask this?
Well, do you want to insinuate something?
Then no, don't ask it.
But it's relevant.
Then ask it.
But I would be insinuating something and I don't want a repeat of last time that happened.
Then don't ask it. Keep it to yourself until it becomes more relevant.
But how do I determine relevancy? It's relevant now, it'll be relevant later.

My thought process is idiotic. There's probably a psychological term for this. I think I'll fill tonight with research and work so I can forget about it all.

I want to find what will fill these holes. I'm constantly hot and cold and the rollercoaster is getting old quickly. I want off.
There is an immediate need to know what I'm capable of doing and with what I can involve myself. I know I feel things more strongly than other people, not even specific feelings, but I don't want my feelings to get in the way of my life or interpersonal relations. No one feels the way I do and accepting that I'm an outlying ball of energy and emotion among the normal distribution.
Fuck math.

Mon amour pour toi est sans cire.

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