Saturday, February 27, 2010

12

There's a common theme in all my entries: uncertainty. This uncertainty covers my unhappiness. I've been unhappy for a while. A long while. I'm unhappier now than I've been in a comparable amount of time, and quite frankly I don't have the patience or the tact to deal with anymore problems. I'm going to wave this wand and everything is going to disappear. Everyone is going to vanish in an array of smokey swirls. I'll blow across the cascading vortexes and they'll dissipate. My problems will be gone.

If only.

I love people in the most general sense. I find each and every one of them fascinating. Everyone is drastically different in every way: handling stress, interests, intelligence, looks, cognitive processes, and so much more. It isn't surprising to see people disagreeing with my self-conduction, but on the same hand, where is the ability to speak frankly? What has happened to honesty in favor of preserving relationships instead of demolishing them? I have never been out right rude to anyone who was a deserving prick of it. I can't wrap my mind around why people would be upset with me for going against a rule of which I was never informed. I simply can't comprehend the obsurbities  that people believe about me; that and how they are too spineless to speak of it to me directly.
I find a safe-haven--people of like minds--and I am accepted. I meet someone I find very attractive, he reciprocates until an irreconcilable difference divides us. Time passes and I find someone else who is mutually interested and lives in my hometown. I explore this possibility. It turns out to be an incredibly stupid idea to go further than friends. He is alienated because he feels my decision is unfair. I meet someone else. I'm reserved about dating initially because I know of his history and ideologies. I know of his promiscuity and inability to openly talk about life experiences and current thoughts or feelings. We separate amicably because we know that friendship is the best route. Throughout hometown-boy to amicable exes, I've been interested in someone else. I express this and I am hopping brothers. I'm entitled to find someone I can love as long as they aren't in the same fraternity. There is clearly no flaw in this logic. How dare I not have issues with one ex and then pursue someone else. Undoubtedly, this makes me a promiscuous, brother-hopping bitch. How fucking dare I.
I'm not heartless, nor I am remarkably headstrong. I am not one to ignore the qualms of a friend because I believe they are being ridiculous. It's not too odd to ask for people to speak to me directly and honestly about any problem they have with me. I've been granted that apparent privilage from others for some time now, why are you, the individual, any different from the other people who have managed to be frank with me? You're not. You are welcome to the same openness as everyone else and I will respect your opinion in the same capacity.

For now, however, I do not have any amount of intellectual endurance nor emotional capacity to deal with the squabblings of once-thought friends who are too afraid to confront me on the basest of issues. Incurring a rift between two people because one is either too proud to change or too daft to be frank is by far one of the biggest problems I have with people, friends or otherwise. I am an intelligent individual capable of compromise, not an idiot who gets offended at the slightest remark. In most cases, it would seem this is true.
I would be an idiot now then. Instead of confrontation--a word which carries such stigma with so little need for stigmatization--I receive a telephone. A repetition of the issues which people are too feeble to speak to me about themselves. I don't need a messenger when I could have face-to-face discussions. Instead, I get a run around on where the roots of the problems lie. How am I going to reach a solution with these fools if I don't know who they are? I had been meaning to speak to two people as is, and I know each of them are dissatisfied with me for some reason or another, but one I can't figure out why. I'm solving it. I'm being direct. When they should have been direct all along effectively eliminating the need for me to be emotionally fucked (inflicting unnecessary suffering) over by their inability to face their interpersonal issues.

I'm fucking better than this. I'm not at fault for rules of which I had no knowledge, nor am I at fault for pursuing healthy relationships. There is no criteria in my awareness of who I can and cannot date. I can't deal with such immaturity. Emotionally, at this given point in time, I am fragile and unable to cope with my day to day life let alone the interpersonal issues of people who don't genuinely know me for the person I am. I know I'm a wonderful person, and while I do come off as sarcastic, competitive, and occasionally rude, I mean the best and would never intentionally insult a residence of nor people of which I am a guest.
My personality is spiny and robust. I am not a sugar-coater nor am I a bitch. I may appear as one of the other, but you would be incorrect in every way. I am neither. I am a compassionate, loving person who cares deeply for everyone I consider "friend." If that is any explanation, I am emotionally tied to every one of my friends. It's insulting to think that they would be unable to go to me with a problem, especially a problem with me directly.

I'm thinking in circles. I've come full-circle at least twenty times. I'm angry and I'm hurt. I find no reason to pursue problems people aren't pursuing with me. If they don't pursue it with me, clearly my friendship isn't of value to them, why should I bother?

And here I was fucking wondering why I had trust issues when people I consider friends are going behind my back with problems they refuse to openly divulge.

Fucking... assholes.

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