Monday, March 29, 2010



Quelquefois plus tard:
Je ne mets pas mes ideas en les phrases. Je suis plus triste si je pensais je serais.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


I'm so annoyed.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I'm tired of people.

They're all so exhausting.

I genuinely don't care about interactions, anymore it seems.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


Everyone fucking misinterprets me.

I got the job I was vying for which is great, but they've hired another assistant, fortunately it's a friend of mine, which makes the already meager hours I will be getting ever more sparse. I need money. I didn't take this job to dick around for a few months with no hours. This "sub" bullshit is just as bad as the YMCA where you have to scramble for hours because people nab them all and people never need subs so you essentially get kicked off payroll because of poor management.
I bet my first half-assed pay check on that.

It's so ridiculously teenager-ish to think that no one with ever understand me, but it's starting to actually seem true. In my grapple for words I am misinterpreted and end up sounding crazy, ridiculous, moronic, or contradictory. Because I'm such a hypocrite. Because I always want my way. I am such a bitch, aren't I?
Since December I've been dealing with emotional bullshit that I shouldn't be having to. I'm curious Karma: what did I do to get all this thrown back at me?


I've never felt more like picking up this cup and haphazardly flinging it into a wall to get a satisfying crack and shatter to relieve my frustration.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Enough of running segmented thoughts in my mind.
I've been meandering down the same path;
the same lonely, monotonous, plateaued path
that I've been meandering on for eons.
Plans to overcome obstacles that don't present themselves,
Thoughts of reaching the finite point at the end
and finally being through.
I've proven I can overcome flat paths that weave eternally--
the only slight qualm being the curvature--
and now turbulence.

Suddenly I miss the lonely plateau.


I have no clue about anything.

My definition is some kind of territorial claim upon another person that is effectively a silk rope that says "VIPs only" and only lets one person through however so often. That one person would be my boyfriend. There's an established area that is his; that area being me. Not me in my entirety, I still have my free-will and spirit, but my emotional bonds are linked to him and my body is his. Where do I stand if not there?
I'm frustrated over something I want? What the fuck is wrong with my head?

Friday, March 12, 2010




Give me someone I can have an equally-grounded conversation with.

Intelligence is such a curse. I'm able to have an awareness of what I don't know while knowing that I am more intelligent than most of the people I will ever encounter are. I allow myself to be intimidated by this and by people who present any sort of comparable intellect.
Working at Publix this is something I realized. When I went into work I became okay with turning off thought and reciting memorized lines to customers and trying to strike up a basic conversation. Whenever a customer presented that they were capable of conversation beyond products, family, and the weather, I became awkward. I wasn't in the mind set to speak with people of perhaps equal calibre. I was asked my major and I talked about that some, but I got the feeling that no one was able to respond in a way that carried any kind of understanding.
I specifically remember one girl who went to Georgia State who was also a psychology major. We discussed what kinds of psychology we liked and she remarked about how heavily evolution weighed into biopsychology and neuroscience. I know. She didn't understand how enthralling that is. Our conversation died.

No one has my passions. No one gets excited over two lightening bolts or protein synthesis. No one thinks the cell mosaic model and channel proteins are sexier than a naked person of their preferred gender. I've yet to find anyone as completely in awe of the operations of the world with the same rabid thirst for knowledge that I have. I want to drink in the knowledge that is in every facet of organic life and compile a library of it in my mind where I can draw from seemingly endless wells of information. Because I want to know it all.

I'll find someone as viciously chasing knowledge as me one day.

I'm curious as to who my actual friends are. There are plenty of people I talk to and associate with, but who can I actually rely on? I don't feel like I can on anyone and it's not from lack of trying. It's not because of trust issues either. I know there is never an unbiased third-party, at least certainly not one where I can go to.

Makes me realize how utterly alone I am. One would think I would be more depressed to realize this, but I'm not. I'm more pensive about why it's come to be so. I know a lot of people, but am emotionally intimate with few and physically intimate with fewer. I'm really ambivalent on the matter.
Is my solitude because I'm so mentally different from everyone I've encountered? Is it because of my uniqueness? The people who I'm closest to are the people who I'm nothing alike.

Maybe I am emotionally affected by this.

I don't know if I actually feel like driving this weekend.

It's funny knowing that I need to cry but I can't. I haven't been this deeply unhappy in quite some time.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


I want someone to get it.

Just fucking get it.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


    So what youre saying is
    My body is a vessel for you to fuck my mind?

Im gonna have to remember that one.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010



I'll give this some thought.

V2: How soon is too soon?
I think through how I feel.

Monday, March 1, 2010


It's difficult to have such passion
with no fitting place to direct it.
An isolated orchestrator cannot orchestrate in nothing
(unless he is of his own devices)
and his melodic passions fall
into echoes no one will hear.

Reaching out with a hand that touches air,
grasping wind in lieu of cloth
and my hand reflects the light--
Light that should be reflecting off your cheeks.
Emotion-filled embraces and
love-infused words
will be unsatisfactorily conveyed
when I could be touching you,
I could be caressing your lips with mine,
I could be resting my body in yours.
There is no replacement for the tangible,
but there are yearnings for the gaps it leaves.