Friday, March 12, 2010


Give me someone I can have an equally-grounded conversation with.

Intelligence is such a curse. I'm able to have an awareness of what I don't know while knowing that I am more intelligent than most of the people I will ever encounter are. I allow myself to be intimidated by this and by people who present any sort of comparable intellect.
Working at Publix this is something I realized. When I went into work I became okay with turning off thought and reciting memorized lines to customers and trying to strike up a basic conversation. Whenever a customer presented that they were capable of conversation beyond products, family, and the weather, I became awkward. I wasn't in the mind set to speak with people of perhaps equal calibre. I was asked my major and I talked about that some, but I got the feeling that no one was able to respond in a way that carried any kind of understanding.
I specifically remember one girl who went to Georgia State who was also a psychology major. We discussed what kinds of psychology we liked and she remarked about how heavily evolution weighed into biopsychology and neuroscience. I know. She didn't understand how enthralling that is. Our conversation died.

No one has my passions. No one gets excited over two lightening bolts or protein synthesis. No one thinks the cell mosaic model and channel proteins are sexier than a naked person of their preferred gender. I've yet to find anyone as completely in awe of the operations of the world with the same rabid thirst for knowledge that I have. I want to drink in the knowledge that is in every facet of organic life and compile a library of it in my mind where I can draw from seemingly endless wells of information. Because I want to know it all.

I'll find someone as viciously chasing knowledge as me one day.

I'm curious as to who my actual friends are. There are plenty of people I talk to and associate with, but who can I actually rely on? I don't feel like I can on anyone and it's not from lack of trying. It's not because of trust issues either. I know there is never an unbiased third-party, at least certainly not one where I can go to.

Makes me realize how utterly alone I am. One would think I would be more depressed to realize this, but I'm not. I'm more pensive about why it's come to be so. I know a lot of people, but am emotionally intimate with few and physically intimate with fewer. I'm really ambivalent on the matter.
Is my solitude because I'm so mentally different from everyone I've encountered? Is it because of my uniqueness? The people who I'm closest to are the people who I'm nothing alike.

Maybe I am emotionally affected by this.

I don't know if I actually feel like driving this weekend.

It's funny knowing that I need to cry but I can't. I haven't been this deeply unhappy in quite some time.

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