Tuesday, April 27, 2010

38

Some people are just so passably deplorable that they can continue to function. Amazing and annoying.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

37

My emotions are having an orgasm, what the fuckkk.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

36

I'm in a really interesting situation. I don't want to be in love, yet I am. The gray area suffices, but for how long? I keep telling myself that I want someone to fall in love with and I get opportunity after opportunity but still manage to shoot myself in the foot every time. What is it with my self-sabotage?
It isn't so bad, I guess. I have something to work for and someone to care for. That's all I really wanted and I have it in front of me. So things aren't so bad, after all.

Amends are really interesting to make especially when they're with yourself.

Monday, April 19, 2010

35

To lay this out in a logical way:

Molly opened my mind.
Preheat opened my world.

Haha, fuck you John <3

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

34

Wow. Its rare that I cry.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

33

Oh my god, I just talked to Taylor for the first time since August 2009. And we had a good conversation. He sent a smiley face emote.

What the fuck.

This is awesome.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

32

I have no friends who can be friends to me. I can't even talk to Elisabeth because she picks a side. What the fuck? Since when do you text me about whether or not I'm ok then choose a side after I'm done unwinding the long story about how upset I am? What ever gave you the thought that it was a good idea to polarize friends like that.

I get more alienated by stupid shit like this everyday. I'm looking forward to the point where all my friends are online because person-to-person interaction is too difficult.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

31

I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry as hard as I want to beat my head into the wall.

How do I fix me?

30

Ridiculous. I give a fuck and I'm trying to calmly give a fuck while controlling my emotional responses and to clarify a statement I correct you and you blow me off because you think I'm being purposefully offensive. Do you realize that you have misinterpreted me multiple times in text form? That I don't want people misinterpreting what I say? That I am innately a forward and direct person and when my words are twisted or confused from their original intent that it pisses me the fuck off?

I can't be sympathetic when I'm being pissed off. I have enough reason to be annoyed and I've been trying to work off of that to be on a level-field with you while you think I'm bombarding you with corrections and malicious intent. Fuck you. If I wanted to do that I would do it so much more directly and actually insult you. I give a fuck about your current state of affairs and in the middle of trying to talk to you about it you think I'm yet again insulting what couldn't be anything other than your infinite amount of wisdom and how dare I have the audacity to do such a thing! I'm not. Jesus fucking christ.
For your love of criticism start taking it with a pair when it comes to things other than your overly chill demeanor and obsession of typing in inverted sentence structure. That's what annoys me. Moreso that you think I'm attacking you. I'm not, for christ's sake. I'm trying to care. Do you understand how difficult that is when the person you're trying to speak with on good terms thinks you're constantly berating them and is stand-offish because of that? Oh of course you do because you're thinking of me! No. Nothing like that.
I am not, will not, can never be, and have never been good at forgiveness. I attempt it like a motherfucker but I will never be good at forgiving people easily. I will not intentionally wrong you and I expect the same. I am not intentionally wronging, hurting, anything'ing you yet you treat me like I am. Your current emotional affairs are relevant to me but I can't give a fuck when you're wrapped up in the idea that I'm an ass so you reciprocate with being an ass.
You took the high road? No, you didn't. You disconnected rudely because you thought I was being rude when truly I was trying to care. Clarification is something I do to everyone. Sorry you misinterpreted and I needed to rephrase what I said so you could understand it.

Buy your own damn batteries, jerk.

29

My finger, where I burned it on the pan, has lost some feeling in it.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

28

I really want someone I can simply be in love with. I want to exist in a loving state, not create one or force one. Every boyfriend recently has been a forced state of companionship. I'm not into it and I don't want them. I think I do, but I don't.
There's one person who I can always talk to about this with the mutual understanding that if he were single then I would be first pick. Argh, life is cruel when it comes to finding someone to love. I realize that by looking I may be shorting my chances. I hope that isn't the case, but I can't help but think it is with all the trials and errors lately. I don't have faith in people, yet I still manage faith in Mosely. How does that even make sense?

I think next weekend I'll take him up on the drinking and hotel crash idea. A night specifically designed to be open with each other and hopefully I can get all these emotions out, maybe even a good cry. It's horrible when you know you need to cry to let go and get rid of the heart's constipation but you can't for the life of you. Alcohol should help that. I'm so used to being mom that I stop being me. I don't need to babysit other people like I do. I function on the premise of being there and being available to friends, yet I don't get that back. I tolerate that. Argh. Moe's, alcohol, hotel, NCIS, sleep, revamp. That's how an idealistic weekend will go.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

27

Hardest work out of my life.

Run 100 meters, tag in for push ups, tag out and tag in for step-jumps, tag out and tag in for sit ups, tag out and tag in to run again.

10/10, would do again. Im looking forward to the SPORT club work outs and outings. Pushing each other to reach optimum fitness in a fun environment. Just what Ive been wanting!
And life is good.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

26

So much anger.

I understand what is directing it and the causes of it, but there is so much of it from so many different angles.

Fucking... idiots.