I really want someone I can simply be in love with. I want to exist in a loving state, not create one or force one. Every boyfriend recently has been a forced state of companionship. I'm not into it and I don't want them. I think I do, but I don't.
There's one person who I can always talk to about this with the mutual understanding that if he were single then I would be first pick. Argh, life is cruel when it comes to finding someone to love. I realize that by looking I may be shorting my chances. I hope that isn't the case, but I can't help but think it is with all the trials and errors lately. I don't have faith in people, yet I still manage faith in Mosely. How does that even make sense?
I think next weekend I'll take him up on the drinking and hotel crash idea. A night specifically designed to be open with each other and hopefully I can get all these emotions out, maybe even a good cry. It's horrible when you know you need to cry to let go and get rid of the heart's constipation but you can't for the life of you. Alcohol should help that. I'm so used to being mom that I stop being me. I don't need to babysit other people like I do. I function on the premise of being there and being available to friends, yet I don't get that back. I tolerate that. Argh. Moe's, alcohol, hotel, NCIS, sleep, revamp. That's how an idealistic weekend will go.