Monday, May 24, 2010

45

I don't have anyone I can talk to things about candidly with. My lord, I'm tired of this interpersonal drama that perpetuates itself.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

44

My dad might as well not have a job again.

Fucking great. And I don't have a job and I've been working hard to get it. And I need to be recertified in order to have a fucking job.

God damn it.
Fuck.
I'm just going to go cry. Jesus shit I can't deal with this.

Friday, May 14, 2010

43

Totals:
Back squat: 130
Shoulder press: 45 (fuck you)
Dead lift: 110 (can do more)

Total totals: 285
Current weight: 135
Body comp: TBP

Goal: Upper body build-up.
End of summer: 5 consecutive kipping pull ups, min 70 shoulder press, afford a CFG shirt

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

42

Life, the Universe, and Everything.


I'm medicating my life with marijuana. Brilliant. No really. You should keep this up. Because that's adaptive. Because that's smart.
Oh the self-loathing starts. The worries of labeling myself "narcissistic" because I want a birthday anything. Needy, needy, needy. Support yourself and want so much from others. Provide what you need and want something from others. Is that unique to my life or unique to humankind? It's definitely unique to human kind, not just me. The negative, petty, needy nature of humans is interesting. Interesting and pathetic all bound up into one clever little parcel delivered to me in the form of mental medication; a leveler for my brilliance, a suppressant for my pessimism, a lock for my lash. Medicating me to protect the world. What a novel concept.
My head is clearer than I've felt it since molly. This is unfortunate. I can think.

41

I'm screaming in the only way I know how. I don't know how to open my mouth and produce sound. Or at least a sound of the amplitude required to alert others to distress. I speak in muted tones, not screeches. I need to alert someone. I need someone to talk to who isn't pouring their heart out to me. Someone who isn't pathetically head over heels in love with me for no reason other than the sexual attraction they feel when they see me prancing about and the whim of being with a "brilliant young woman, with wisdom beyond her girlish years."
When did I lose the ability to have friends because they all want to be with me romantically or physically? Why can't I be me and you be you and we interact like friends? Why can't I confide in anyone without a stupid, needy, grubby attachment forming between them and me, not me and them? What happened to the maturity in relationships that I once enjoyed?
Hah. Other women hate me because I can attract me. Brilliant. Other women hate me because I attract men, repel other females because of this fact, and flounder in the interpersonal relationship department. I want someone to love and someone to love me. I want close friends again. I want a boyfriend I can rely and depend upon while being able to have the sacred bond of "best friends" with someone who I can go to and get hugs, get kisses, get love from a source that is platonic and non-romantic.
Argh. This is the most frustrating thing I deal with. I'm brilliant and I can accomplish anything I want except for having the balls to say "No" to a suitor or the perception to realize what they're doing. I can accomplish anything I set out to do. I can overcome any obstacle. I can't find friends I can open up to. I'm an emotional mess because I listen to everyone else, and never get the chance to say what ails me.
It's all about your problems. It is all for you. Nevermind me.
How are you?
Meh. Alright. You?
Not good. *rattle off about their day and life*
When do I speak? When do you care about me? 

Monday, May 3, 2010

40

Fucking asshole. I understand you're a bitter old man and hate your life, probably your job, yourself for going senile, and your daughter for being more promising than you are or were, but for fuck's sake let us pass the class. It isn't all of our faults that Sarah got in trouble and you were stupid enough to tip toe around the Dean and got found out.
ARGH YOU DESERVE TO BE FIRED.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

39

Extreme emotional distress for no obvious reason.

Why do some days I feel amazing, people love me, I love them, then days like this just suck? It isn't bipolar, it isn't extreme enough. Ugh. This is ridiculous. Fuck my amygdala.