Tuesday, May 4, 2010

41

I'm screaming in the only way I know how. I don't know how to open my mouth and produce sound. Or at least a sound of the amplitude required to alert others to distress. I speak in muted tones, not screeches. I need to alert someone. I need someone to talk to who isn't pouring their heart out to me. Someone who isn't pathetically head over heels in love with me for no reason other than the sexual attraction they feel when they see me prancing about and the whim of being with a "brilliant young woman, with wisdom beyond her girlish years."
When did I lose the ability to have friends because they all want to be with me romantically or physically? Why can't I be me and you be you and we interact like friends? Why can't I confide in anyone without a stupid, needy, grubby attachment forming between them and me, not me and them? What happened to the maturity in relationships that I once enjoyed?
Hah. Other women hate me because I can attract me. Brilliant. Other women hate me because I attract men, repel other females because of this fact, and flounder in the interpersonal relationship department. I want someone to love and someone to love me. I want close friends again. I want a boyfriend I can rely and depend upon while being able to have the sacred bond of "best friends" with someone who I can go to and get hugs, get kisses, get love from a source that is platonic and non-romantic.
Argh. This is the most frustrating thing I deal with. I'm brilliant and I can accomplish anything I want except for having the balls to say "No" to a suitor or the perception to realize what they're doing. I can accomplish anything I set out to do. I can overcome any obstacle. I can't find friends I can open up to. I'm an emotional mess because I listen to everyone else, and never get the chance to say what ails me.
It's all about your problems. It is all for you. Nevermind me.
How are you?
Meh. Alright. You?
Not good. *rattle off about their day and life*
When do I speak? When do you care about me? 

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